19 June, 2017

I'm 26 and I don't know what I'm doing


On Sunday I turned 26. The weekend before I had a full breakdown on my couch about my life, specifically, my professional life, or lack thereof.

I never thought with all my plans as a child and a teenager that I'd be sat on my couch crying my eyes out worrying that I'm working in a dead end job, with no career prospects and no foot in the door as to what I want to do with my life. I mean, aren't you supposed to decide that in high school? Primary school, even? I wanted to be vet until I came to the conclusion that I couldn't put an animal to sleep or else I'd spend the rest of my life constantly heartbroken. I then decided I wanted to be a singer and my dad put a stop to that. I wanted to be an artist after that but again, "there's no money in art", according to my dad.

So I spent the last few years of my teenage life studying a subject I had little to no interest in before deciding that maybe it wasn't for me and strolled into a full time job. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed living a lifestyle of never really wanting anything, because I could go out and buy it. Between my income and Craig's we've been living a pretty comfortable life the last few years.

But it's not enough any more. I literally wake up every morning and think about quitting over and over again because I don't want to be there. The thought of spending eight hours a day being yelled at down the phone genuinely makes me feel so anxious to the point where I consider just not turning up. Then something happened, an almost snap decision. It started with my manager essentially saying that to get to where he is now he had to take a cut in pay. He went from being paid more as a simple customer service assistant to manager and getting paid less. I don't even know how that works, but it's not where I want to be put it that way.

I'm playing with the idea of going back into studying full time, in something that I'm actually interested in. I haven't applied for anything yet, but the thought of going back to study genuinely excites me. If I'm going to be paid a minimum wage job, I'd rather it be in something I love. If I was happy in my work, I wouldn't care as much about working long hours or travelling a lot or even getting paid buttons. I'd know that I'm spending the majority of my day doing something I care about.

I know loving your job is luxury these days and I shouldn't be so picky given that so many people don't have a full time job, but it's a luxury I'm going to try and find. If I don't, at least I tried.

Thanks to all these thoughts, I was kind of bummed out on my birthday, especially after I told my mum I was considering going back to study. Luckily I have Craig and he made everything ten times better. He's actually one of the reasons I'm thinking about doing this, he almost earns double what I do, and I don't want him being the primary breadwinner any more, I'd like things to be fairer and even. Right now, we don't split the bills evenly, he pays for two thirds of rent, council tax etc. Mainly because if we'd to half it down the middle I'd have almost nothing left. So yeah, I'm doing it kind of for him too.

Anywhoozle, I'm off to go and enjoy the rest of my evening. I've got a new episode of Attack on Titan to watch - hopefully this time something exciting will actually happen. (stupid anime is dragging everything out now!)

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