09 June, 2017

What I wish people knew about me


I often come across as an open book to a lot of people. I don't really have much of a filter for every day things, especially in work, where I should probably be filtering my thoughts the most. The trouble with this is that people think they know me really well, when in fact, anything that I do blurt out is trivial in light of the things that I'm really thinking or doing.

So to make up for this, here are a few things I wish people offline knew about me.

I don't like people in my personal space.
I'm not a touchy feely person, I kind of never have been. I don't like the whole cuddle someone every time you see them thing, I don't like people sitting too close to me so that our bodies are touching, I don't like knowing someone is standing right beside me with no space in between. It makes me feel physically weird. I mean, there are exceptions to this, with Craig or immediate family etc. Or, if you're upset and I feel you need a cuddle, then I'll do it. But you better appreciate it, because I did not want to do that.

I'm very sensitive about certain things.
I generally have a no care attitude to most things people can say about me, but there are a few small things that actually make me very sensitive. I don't like it when people call me thin, because I know I'm not, I just live in baggy clothes and know how to dress for my weight. I'm actually very conscious about my size. I don't like it when people look at me for too long, especially during a conversation. I find it very difficult to maintain eye contact for a long period of time.

I hate it when someone thinks I'm lying.
Something I've never been comfortable with is lying to people, and according to my dad - who would literally always catch me when I was lying - said it was very easy to spot it when I was trying to lie. So I stopped. Now, when I think someone thinks I'm lying, it makes me so angry and it ends up being a difficult situation. You try to convince them you're not lying and the more you try to do this, the more you look like a liar. It's a no-win scenario. A Kobayashi Maru. (Any Star Trek fans here? No? Okay.)

I'm almost always talking to myself in my head.
I've done this ever since I was very little. I wouldn't say I'm having conversations with myself, but I'm pretty much always playing through a film in my head by speaking the lines, singing away to myself, thinking of quotes from tv shows or generally just voicing what's going on around me. All internally, of course. Think of it like a J.D from Scrubs type thing, minus the head tilt.

I hate small talk.
I don't understand it. It's the same conversation, over and over. "Hi, how're you?", "I'm good, thanks. How're you?", "Yeah, good.". End of conversation. I don't mind the odd bit of small talk with someone I haven't seen in a while because I know that it will be leading to a real conversation. But daily conversations of the same thing make my eyes roll so hard.

So there you go, a teensy insight into me as a person. Which, in reality, all those points kind of make me look like a dick to people, but I promise I'm not. I just hide it all really well.

Anyone else feel the same way?


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